An Interview with Pinterest

Not Harold Pinter

Justine: Hi, Pinterest. Thanks for talking with me today.

Pinterest: Today is a gift. That’s why it’s called the present.

J: I think Eleanor Roosevelt said that.

P: If you wait for perfect conditions, you will never get anything done. (Holds up a picture of a cat dressed like Harry Potter.)

J: So, a lot of people use Pinterest to share lifestyle ideas. Tell me about that.

P: If it’s worth eating or drinking, it comes in a Mason jar. Salad, shake it up in a Mason jar. Lemonade, obviously. Rainbow layered birthday cake, jar it. And, when organizing, anything can go in a Mason jar–buttons, different colored sands, your aborted design career. Anything!

J: I see.

P: I have A LOT of Mason jars. And stumps.

J: Stumps?

P: Tree stumps. Did you know that they’re good for sitting on at your wedding?

J: Aren’t they kind of hard?

P: How else will people know that you’re an ethereal free spirit if your bridesmaids aren’t sitting on stumps and wearing different colored cowboy boots, holding matching wildflower bouquets, and twirling tousled braids?

J: I’m stumped.

P: That’s a good one.

J: Thanks.

P: Braids, by the way, are the only acceptable hairstyles. The best is the pinkombraid.

J: Uh…

P: Pink ombre in a braid. (Dives to the floor.)

J: What are you doing?

P (grunting): The easiest way to lose weight is to do this routine before you shower: 10 pushups, 20 sit ups, 25 squats, 20 lunges, 80 jumping jacks, and a 60 second wall sit.

J: Are you planning on showering soon?

P (pops back up): Yeah, in my outdoor rainfall shower on my jungle deck over the infinity pool.

J: Won’t people see you?

P: I’m literally perfect.

Timer goes off. 

J: What was that?

P: My breakfasts for the week have finished cooking in their muffin tins.

J: I hate you.

P: You know what? You’d be happier if you layered your necklaces. Or took pictures of your kids holding their ages.

J: I don’t have any children.

P: How else will you make their teachers bouquets out of crayons? You know what, you should look at this picture of a mom and baby flamingo. (Holds up picture.)

J: They are cute. (Hits “Like.”)

P: Hey. When’s the last time you wore glitter eyeshadow?

J: Never.

P: Life is full of beauty. Notice it.

J: More.

P: Be kind. For everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.

J: More.

P: A girl without freckles is like a night without stars.

J: Sing it.

P: Make a pizza crust out of cauliflower! Make pumpkin pie white hot chocolate on Thanksgiving morning! Drink detox water made from chamomile tea and cranberry juice!

(J closes eyes.)

P: You only need Dawn and white vinegar to get your shower to look brand new. Upcycle a rake and hang spatulas on it!

J: Thank you, Pinterest. I really feel like I’ve accomplished something just by hanging out with you.

P: You’re welcome. By, the way, I’m wearing the smile you gave me. (Lights a sparkler and writes JUSTINE.)


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